Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
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Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”