They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
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There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations