@DanDoofus

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

@TrophyCatas

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

@SaraESpivey

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

@NYC_Blonde

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

@shaun__gunner

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

@squirrel74wkgn

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

@noog

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

@WeirdHorse

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol