Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call