Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome


Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.


I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.


My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.


Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!


Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.


Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.


Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol