Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
You’ve been promoted to customer
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
[At the Grand Canyon]
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
GC: Let’s just be friends
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call