Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.