Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.