I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
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[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa