When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
You Might Also Like
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.