karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
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The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Whoa… oh I see lol
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”