Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
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My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I need to get some bricks…
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon