why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
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robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.