Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
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ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.