“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

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If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.


The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there


Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now


Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.


A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.


Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.


Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.


I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?


Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea