If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
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The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
…u ok Nintendo?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*