Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
You Might Also Like
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell