My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
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Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.