Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
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This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!