[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
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Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.