I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
January has been Januweary
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
*exercises sarcastically*
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.