Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.