I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
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5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Monday again. I just knew this would happen