If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
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Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
getting groceries
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
wish me luck lads
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman