I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
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Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.