Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
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Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Life cycle of cat
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”