Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
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If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.