Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
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Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.