I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
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Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
79.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.