spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
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My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.