A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
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A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
This will never not be funny to me.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
sugar glider wrangler
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔