Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
You Might Also Like
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT