You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
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[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.