my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
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I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I am a gravy boat captain
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating