I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

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sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.


ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u


Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.


I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.


Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two


80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad


If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.


The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.


“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”