@treydayway

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

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@SaddestTiger

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

@jonnysun

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

@Izianikapani

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

@roxyisrad

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

@leftarmisme

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

@SatiricalMommy

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

@No_1BullshitGuy

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

@ObscureGent

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

@UncleDuke1969

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”