@SaddestTiger sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
@treydayway I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
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@SaddestTiger 
@jonnysun ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
@Izianikapani Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
@roxyisrad I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
@leftarmisme Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
@SatiricalMommy 80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
@dreamthievin Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
@No_1BullshitGuy If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
@ObscureGent The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
@UncleDuke1969 “Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”