Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
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in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
the rocks need my help
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
🛁
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”