Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
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I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?