Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
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the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
finally
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.