You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
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a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My god she’s good.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.