10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
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[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
🎵 I can’t wait to
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.