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therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.