Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
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Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.