[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
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“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..