You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
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Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.