Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
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Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on