Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
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Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.