Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
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I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.