I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

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My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”


The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother


*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”


I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”


I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.


going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people


I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’


Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.


Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.


I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.