@causticbob My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
@Up2Long I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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@causticbob 
@darinlovesbacon The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
@QwertyJones3 *aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
@Storminika I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
@nerdcula I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
@megchambe going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
@LuvPug I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
@weinerdog4life Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
@a_simpl_man Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
@coketruck76 I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.