I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.