Here’s a meme
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My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Hmmmmm
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*