[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
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I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.