Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
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When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again