My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
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Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.