Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
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My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.