just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
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got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.