My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
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I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
when there are deer in the woods
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
What the hell happened in there??
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”