Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
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Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.